KALEB CANALES We’ll check ID, but we iced Champagne for the Trail Blazers’ interim coach. After the NBA team canned Nate McMillan, this 33-year-old former unpaid intern became pro hoops’ youngest coach, first Mexican-American coach, and a gleam in a stormy season. Kaleb, you give hope to all underlings who covet the corner office. Just don’t tell our interns, please.
MARK SALTVEIT We could “murder for a jar of red rum,” so we’ll mix a Dark & Stormy for the Portland comedian who won the first World Palindrome Championship. Saltveit’s entry makes little sense, but does work both ways: “Devil Kay fixes trapeze part; sex if yak lived.” Mark, if a cocktail doesn’t do it for you, remember: “Lager, sir, is regal.”
KATIE CARTER The next chair goes to this 12-year-old Vancouverite, who landed a berth in this month’s Scripps National Spelling Bee by winning Portland’s regional spell-off with “irascible.” Katie, that’s one of our favorite words. Later you can hammer the P-A-S-T-E out of us at Scrabble.
MITT ROMNEY We’ll set a place for the Rominator, even though he pulled the plug on a Portland debate. Mitt, we had Ron Paul marijuana-leaf buttons and bilevel Newt wigs ready. But how about we toast the Oregon primary with a virgin daiquiri?
TOOTIE SMITH We saved some empties for a target-shooting demonstration from this Clackamas politician, who raised campaign cash by auctioning a Glock. An Austrian brand? Tootie, you globalist rogue!
HOMER WILLIAMS This Portland developer will lead a table talk on self-reinvention. He pioneered Forest Heights, built resorts, and spearheaded the Pearl and South Waterfront. Now, his firm’s proposed LA hotel promises international moneybags US visas in exchange for investment, a model Williams wants to replicate here. Homer, do please bring a guest!