I spent yesterday in lovely Astoria doing a little research for an upcoming feature in the magazine. Lovely town. Even lovelier day. Bright sun, salt in the air, and the wheezy barking of sea lions. Can’t wait to head back next week.

Needless to say, spending all day on the beach and in the car meant I didn’t catch yesterday’s big news: Portland is getting a soccer team. To which I say … So? I know, I know, I’m an insensitive cro-mag who just doesn’t understand the intricacies of “the beautiful game.” I don’t care. And while I usually eschew things that are typically (sometimes grotesquely) American (Super-sized fast food, American Idol, reality television, Paul Blart)… when it comes to sports I am red-blooded and base. I want violence, speed, carnage, chests painted in bright colors, gut-punching dunks, pile-driving touchdowns, and the loud, proud, post-score celebration, after which we thank the almighty for allowing our team to win since he obviously has no better things to do than watch TV.

Soccer? I know it’s popular in the rest of the world, but then, so is not wearing deodorant. To me it’s just a bunch of skinny dudes faking injuries and running around pointlessly for 90 minutes. It’s kiss-chase with a black and white ball. Rattle my cage when soccer starts settling its tie games with knife fights.

On to the weekend…

FRIDAY
Our pal John Chandler got us all caught up on the St. Patrick’s Day festivities. But what if you feel like getting drunk and destructive, but you have no Irish blood in you? It’s a conundrum that’s easily solved by Austin skull-rattlers And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead…

Not only do they have the best band name ever, but AYWKUBTTOD are also one of the most subversively catchy rock bands around. Sure they are anthemic and powerful, like their name would suggest, but throughout their career they’ve never forgotten about writing good solid hooks. And then there’s the live show. In their early days AYWKUBTTOD were known for smashing their instruments near the end of nearly every concert (sometimes using each other as targets). Not sure if that’s still the case…but if not, this being St. Pat’s and all, why not get drunk and start your own riot? [Berbati’s Pan/8:30 p.m./$15]

SATURDAY
Of course, St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t have to be ALL about drinking. Mary McDonald-Lewis and Readers Theatre Rep pay tribute to the Emerald Isle and to Dublin theatrical troupe, Bewley’s Café Theatre. RTR will be staging a pair of shows that originated with Bewley’s, “Fred and Jane” and “So Long Sleeping Beauty.” [Blackfish Gallery/8 p.m./$8]

SUNDAY
Cheating on your spouse is a scumbag’s occupation. But when you pair the carousing up with classical music, it suddenly becomes charming. And quaint. Live vicariously with the Portland Opera as they present La Calisto, Francesco Cavalli’s stimulating brew of humor and mistaken identity based on the myth of Callisto from Ovid’s Metamorphoses. Jove (one of the randiest deities in all mythology) is infatuated with the young Calisto, but she’s sworn to follow the goddess Diana and a life of chastity. Needless to say, Jove’s wife Juno is none too pleased with the lengths her husband will go to in order to woo the comely lass. [Newmark Theatre/2 p.m./$25-75]