UPSIDE

Cleared of criminal wrongdoing!

Accused of bullying, but was nice enough to skip the noogies and purple nurples

Reportedly supports progressive fitness incentives (by making fun of employees’ weight)

Some of his best friends are women, so definitely can’t be sexist

The Philip Seymour Hoffman–Jim Gaffigan lovechild of our dreams

Leadership style: Joe Pesci

Dat chin tho

Click for the Downside >>

DOWNSIDE

Used discretionary funds on souped-up Dodge Charger that doesn’t even talk

4 percent of voters who didn’t choose him getting pretty smug

“No confidence” vote from union gotta be tough on self-esteem

In a buddy-cop movie, he’s the one telling the star to turn in their gun and badge

Rarely sidles up to saloon bar

If he were serious about Portland law enforcement, he’d shoot one of his friends while hunting already

<< Click for the Upside 

Image: Courtesy Multnomah County Sheriff’s office, digitally altered by Portland Monthly

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