Pomo 0517 gert boyle wumph6

↑ Upside

  • Company’s innovative breathable, moisture-wicking materials give other bar patrons impression you could climb a mountain
  • Experience fleeing Nazi Germany makes her state’s most reliable canary in the coal mine
  • Hails originally from Augsburg, whose citizens are called “Fuggers.” She’s a fugger mother!
  • Pioneered the personal scent technology “damp and sweaty”
  • Company crushes L.L. Bean in coolness
  • Source of Cabela’s hottest sneaker drops

↓ Downside

  • Cackles maniacally every time she sees rain clouds
  • List of accomplishments less impressive considering she’s had 93 years to compile it
  • Gave $100 million to Knight Cancer Institute—well short of the $78 trillion it would take to really impress anyone
  • Probably only two product iterations away from full rubber body condoms
  • Responsible for every Portlander’s bad high school photos
  • Yet to sign A-list athlete to rain-overalls sponsorship
  • Whiffed on Go-Gurt co-branding opportunity
  • What kind of name is “Gert,” anyway?
  • Almost certainly judging you
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