We're coming for you, North America

As of March 2, the Portland Timbers 2019 season is on. That means hordes of green-and-white scarves on the MAX, pre-gaming at the Cheerful Bullpen, and stray fans in the streets singing co-opted Italian anti-fascist songs. At least, there will be those things. But not until June 1, when the home team finally returns from an epic three-month away game schedule to a bigger (better?) Providence Park.

But, lemonade and all that: let’s get ourselves to at least some of those 12 Timbers games happening elsewhere in the nation. Because the team needs noise. And don't think, when we win, that we'll keep it to ourselves. We're already stockpiling sick burns.

GAME 1—Timbers v. Colorado Rapids
March 2, Denver, CO
DIRECT FLIGHT: Yes! (Frontier, Southwest, United) 
WHEN WE WIN: We will tell you your new skyscrapers are tiny and your air is thin!

GAME 2—Timbers v. Los Angeles FC
March 10, Los Angeles, CA
DIRECT FLIGHT: Yes! (Alaska, American Airlines, Delta, Southwest)
WHEN WE WIN: We will eat your tacos. 

GAME 3—Timbers v. FC Cincinnati
March 17, Cincinnati, OH
DIRECT FLIGHT: No
WHEN WE WIN: We will drink ALL of the Kentucky bourbon. No bourbon for you!

GAME 4—Timbers v. LA Galaxy
March 31, Los Angeles, CA
DIRECT FLIGHT: Yes! (Alaska, American Airlines, Delta, Southwest) 
WHEN WE WIN: We will remind you your team plays in Carson, which is barely Los Angeles.

GAME 5—Timbers v. San Jose Earthquakes
April 6, San Jose, CA
DIRECT FLIGHT: Yes! (Alaska, Southwest)
WHEN WE WIN: We will tell everyone that Milpitas is the better city.

GAME 6—Timbers v. FC Dallas
April 13, Dallas, TX
DIRECT FLIGHT: Yes! (DAL: Alaska, Southwest; DFW: Alaska, American Airlines)
WHEN WE WIN: We will organize a rush hour critical mass ride. (Two abreast, with helmets, because legal!)

GAME 7—Timbers v. Columbus Crew SC
April 20, Columbus, OH
DIRECT FLIGHT: No 
WHEN WE WIN: We will empty vats of Skyline's chili spaghetti in the streets. 

GAME 8—Timbers v. Toronto FC
April 27, Toronto, ON
DIRECT FLIGHT: No (And we hardly knew ya, Air Canada)
WHEN WE WIN: We will play a relevant Drake track. Maybe "Hold On, We're Going Home."

GAME 9—Timbers v. Real Salt Lake
May 4, Salt Lake City, NV
DIRECT FLIGHT: Yes! (Alaska, Delta) 
WHEN WE WIN: We will drink alllll your near beer and get sooo mildly tipsy. 

GAME 10—Timbers v. Vancouver Whitecaps FC
May 10, Vancouver, BC
DIRECT FLIGHT: Yes! (Air Canada, Alaska)
WHEN WE WIN: We will test your topfreedom tolerance with a shirtless parade through Gastown.

GAME 11—Timbers v. Houston Dynamo
May 15, Houston, TX
DIRECT FLIGHT: Yes! (HOU: Southwest; IAH: United)
WHEN WE WIN: We will tour the NASA Space Center. Is there anything else to do?

GAME 12—Timbers v. Philadelphia Union
May 25, Philadelphia, PA
DIRECT FLIGHT: No (Adios, apparently, to short-lived seasonal service from Alaska and American Airlines)
WHEN WE WIN: A cheesesteak feast. And then, we will crop-dust and run.

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