↑ Upside

• Strongly correlated with opening a quaint shop in an ambiguously European village and falling in love with Johnny Depp
• Mesoamerican cultures gave it to conquistadors in peaceful, mutually beneficial exchange
• All of it is ethically sourced if you don’t think about it too much, or at all
• If it’s good enough for Üter on The Simpsons, it’s good enough for us
• An easy, go-to gift for people without imaginations
• Does all the heavy lifting in Neapolitan

↓ Downside

• Another thing the Swiss can lord over us
• Aphrodisiac and stimulating properties likely BS
• Diving in a chocolate river actually kind of gross and possibly fatal
• Technically also includes stuff made by Hershey’s
• Does, in fact, melt in your hand
• Sexual Chocolate still hasn’t played a Portland show
• Rarely any golden tickets inside
• White chocolate