The Shakedown

What's the Deal with Chocolate, Anyway?

Sizing up the sweet treats we crave.

By Marty Patail Published in the February 2020 issue of Portland Monthly

↑ Upside

  • Strongly correlated with opening a quaint shop in an ambiguously European village and falling in love with Johnny Depp
  • Mesoamerican cultures gave it to conquistadors in peaceful, mutually beneficial exchange
  • All of it is ethically sourced if you don’t think about it too much, or at all
  • If it’s good enough for Üter on The Simpsons, it’s good enough for us
  • An easy, go-to gift for people without imaginations
  • Does all the heavy lifting in Neapolitan

↓ Downside

  • Another thing the Swiss can lord over us
  • Aphrodisiac and stimulating properties likely BS
  • Diving in a chocolate river actually kind of gross and possibly fatal
  • Technically also includes stuff made by Hershey’s
  • Does, in fact, melt in your hand
  • Sexual Chocolate still hasn’t played a Portland show
  • Rarely any golden tickets inside
  • White chocolate
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