Choose carefully.

Star Wars characters. Onetime 2020 Democratic presidential candidatesTiger King personalities. Major and minor celebrities. Dead writers. Famous Seattleites. April has brought the world the “Choose Your Quarantine House” meme, so we might as well add our Portland version to the pile. We’re all getting a little tired of our families, roommates, and pets around now, anyway. Which house will you pick?

House 1

Ted Wheeler, Paul Knauls, Carrie Brownstein, Matt Groening, Emily Powell, The Unipiper

Ted Wheeler’s just in his first (and, if one of this 18 challengers prevails in this year’s election, perhaps only) term as mayor, so he might want to stay quiet and just absorb the wisdom of Paul Knauls, who’s held the unofficial title of mayor of Northeast Portland pretty much forever. Carrie Brownstein and Matt Groening plot the next PortlandiaThe Simpsons crossover episode, while Emily Powell asks the Unipiper to please ride circles around her to drown out complaints from ex-Powell’s employees angry about getting dumped via Post-it losing their jobs via email.

House 2

Damian Lillard, Micah Camden, Brenda Braxton, Tracey Barry, Diego Chara, the guy who just held a goat and screamed at TBA one year

Serial restaurateur Micah Camden takes advantage of this audience with Damian Lillard to pitch the Blazer point guard and living legend on a few restaurant ideas—maybe an ice cream concept based on his stone cold “yeah, I just murdered the entire Oklahoma Thunder” stare. KGW anchors Brenda Braxton and Tracey Barry are popping Champagne for their reunion, having been apart since Barry retired in 2018, while ever-smiling Timbers midfielder Diego Chara looks at the goat guy with the same bemused expression he might have for a charging opposing forward he’s about to take out. No ref would dare issue a yellow card for this. 

House 3

Christine Sinclair, Sabrina Ionescu, Darcelle, Aminé, Cheryl Strayed, Andy Ricker

Portland Thorns captain Christine Sinclair, who claimed soccer’s record in January for the most international goals scored by any human ever, gives University of Oregon point guard Sabrina Ionescu, who was claimed by the New York Liberty with the no. 1 pick in last week’s WNBA draft, a few pointers on wearing the G.O.A.T. title with aplomb. Drag performer Darcelle tries to talk rapper Aminé into adding a few sequins to his understated T-shirt wardrobe, and Wild author Cheryl Strayed chows down on the famous chicken wings from Andy Ricker’s currently shuttered Pok Pok as she tells yet another fan that, no, this isn’t a good year to try your own Wild-style thru-hike.

House 4

Kate Brown, Knute Buehler, Katherine Durant, Greg Gourdet, CJ McCollum, China Forbes

Rivals for the governor’s office in 2018, Kate Brown and Knute Buehler share a good laugh over what the job turned into. “Can you believe you wanted to be governor during a pandemic? That’s a good one!” Brown says, slapping her knee. “Hey, at least I’m a doctor!” chuckles orthopedic surgeon Buehler, who shaved his famous goatee for a fresh look during his current run for Greg Walden’s congressional seat (and not just so a face mask could have a better seal). Landlord Katherine Durant asks chef Greg Gourdet if she can hide out in Departure after some bad press when she denied an urgent-care tenant’s request to put a pod in parking lot to screen patients for COVID-19. Blazer CJ McCollum has Pink Martini singer China Forbes on his podcast to talk about losing her voice and recovery from vocal surgery, a little perspective for NBA-ers who lost the end of their season. 

House 5

Tra’Renee Chambers, Chloe Eudaly, Sam Adams, Chuck Palahniuk, Courtney Taylor-Taylor, k.d. lang

JAM’N 107.5 and KATU personality Tra’Renee Chambers hopes contentious city council election rivals Chloe Eudaly and Sam Adams will keep it posi in the shared house, which author Chuck Palahniuk is pretty sure things will take more of a Fight Club turn. Canadian crooner (and constant craver) k.d. lang (who, like Sam Adams, has also been portrayed on television by Kyle McLachlan) explains one more time to the Dandy Warhols’ Courtney Taylor-Taylor why it would be both bad for her brand and confusing to fans of a certain Chinese pianist for her to adopt his naming convention.

House 6

Poison Waters, Colin Meloy, Jeff Gianola, Daria O’Neill Eliuk, Jusuf Nurkic, Satou Sabally

Poison Waters needles Decemberist and Wildwood coauthor Colin Meloy on the lack of fake eyelashes, big hair, and high heels in the children’s books he creates with his wife, artist Carson Ellis. KOIN anchor (and finalist for the title of “Portland’s dad”) Jeff Gianola swaps tales with longtime radio personality turned podcaster Daria (who really doesn’t need those last names) on their decades in local media. Injured Blazer Jusuf Nurkic, bummed about missing his planned March return to the NBA, talks courtside fashion with fellow jacket aficionado Satou Sabally, the University of Oregon star nabbed second overall in the WNBA draft. Sabally brought those batik wall hangings that were her draft-show backdrop, so everyone in the house gets to look like they’re part of a Kehinde Wiley triptych during their Zoom meetings.