↑ Upside
- Death didn’t come for you
- Second breakfast and elevenses
- Blessed respite from nightly vampire attacks
- Snooze button
- Less of a bummer than the version with a “u”
- You’re not one of the ding-dongs waiting in line at Screen Door
- Makes words like “glory” and “wood” instantly funny
- The motherforking dew
- The beginning of another day
↓ Downside
- Death didn’t come for you
- Unnecessary now that McDonald’s serves breakfast past noon
- Happens every day—so boring
- Sanctimonious
- early risers and worm-hogging birds
- Sunlight controlled and rationed by cabal of cruel and stingy farmers
- Folgers in your cup
- A Trump tweetstorm is probably waiting
- Being healthy, wealthy, and wise not really our brand
- The beginning of another day
Published in the Best Breakfasts issue of Portland Monthly.
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