What’s the Deal with Rain, Anyway?

↑ Upside

• Justifies the existence of otherwise useless mudrooms
• Injects morning commutes with 200 percent more dashing
• Significantly raises chances of a first-act meet-cute
• Free, eco-friendly car wash service for the lazy
• Puddles fun to jump in, we guess
• Excellent with roses; not unlike whiskers on kittens
• Cheaper than sunscreen
• Trees

↓ Downside

• The mother-in-law of meteorological effects: overstays welcome by a lot
• Despite PR efforts of Big Galosh, rain boots never cute
• Somehow manages to make local drivers even worse
• Excuse for long-timers to trot out “Portlanders don’t use umbrellas” line again
• No one—no one—knows where it comes from
• Could be snow if it tried a bit harder
• You are probably the reason God is crying
• Acid

Published in the Spring Road Trips issue of Portland Monthly.