The Shakedown

What's the Deal with Thanksgiving?

We size up the annual family feast.

By Marty Patail October 17, 2018 Published in the November 2018 issue of Portland Monthly

↑ Upside

  • Food coma jokes definitely never, ever get old, ever
  • When else would you get your Fox News updates?
  • No bigger treat than getting to use the nice silverware
  • The one day your overdrinking doesn’t stand out
  • Pilgrims had foresight to create a long weekend
  • Turkeys were all asking for it anyway
  • Stuffing ... all the stuffing

↓ Downside

  • No one has the guts to admit canned cranberry sauce is better than the fresh stuff
  • Watching a parade in a distant city on live TV is exactly as exciting as it sounds
  • Trump’s turkey pardons presumably all politically motivated
  • Pilgrims sure do seem like sopping wet blankets
  • Every family has that one, awful recipe tweak that involves marshmallows
  • Friendsgiving still requires having friends
  • What the hell did Uncle Bud just say?
  • Heritage turkeys are the mean girls of the poultry world
  • Sure a lotta brown food
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