Bye, Bye Birdie

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It’s time to run these birds outta town—they’ve overstayed their welcome.

By Sam Holder March 18, 2009

You know who you are.

I see you. You’re sitting on the couch, laptop in, well, lap, glass of pinot on the coffee table (if you round up at 2:45, it’s cocktail hour), catching up on the NY Times (aka,…it’s OK. We’ve all been there.

But, it’s time. You’ve wanted to get out and "Make A Difference." Your "Yes We Can" spirit has been washed away by the waves of snow and rain and cold that Portland has unleashed upon us these last few months. You’ve been hibernating—and you’re not alone.

But here’s your chance to ease into the give–back groove.

It’s called Senate Bill 622. If you’ve been living under a rock these last three decades, the Canadian Geese population in Oregon is rising faster than Bernie Madoff’s blood pressure. The problem, it seems, is that these geese are as unmotivated as you winter couch–dwellers. Instead of flying south to sunny SoCal each winter, they’ve decided to hunker down in our luscious Oregon farmland. And, they’ve discovered, a great way to pass the time they previously wasted, you know, migrating, is to, ahem, get their bird freak on.

So. Thirty years and many, many generations later, their numbers have gone from 25,000 to an unmanageable 300,000. Which is why State Senator Betsy Johnson (D–Scappoose) is spearheading an effort to curb their procreation and, if possible, get these lazy–assed birds back to Cali for the winter.

This is where you come in. The Bill calls for an 11–member committee to scrutinize the problem and come up with a solution that satisfies both the affected farmers ("What they don’t eat, they stomp on. What they don’t stomp, they poop on"), and the tree–hugging PETA crazies. And since this effort isn’t exactly going to get a big chunk of the stimulus dollars, it’s an all volunteer corps.

It’s time to heed Obama’s call: stop following Lindsay Lohan’s recent meltdown, get outta those sweatpants, down that last bit of vino, and get thee to Salem, stat—it’s time to serve your country.

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