Death Penalty

Great green gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts…

By Sam Holder April 13, 2009

Spring has sprung. Birds are singing, flower petals are drifting through the warm air, children are adding new grass stains to their hand–me–downs, and squirrels are…exploding.

The Finch Arboretum in Spokane, WA, a nature conservancy established in 1949 hosting a large collection of leafy bigwoods and flowering plants, has a squirrel problem. The Oregonian reports that these pesky, bushy–tailed speedsters’ network of tunnels—rivaling that of the Viet Cong—is causing serious damage to park land. But they’ve come up with a solution. No, not Have–A–Heart traps. Nope, no suet feeders strategically located just off the property. How about a legion of emaciated, blood–thirsty alley–cats? Good idea, but no.

Instead, they’ve gone with the irrefutable champion of extermination: The Rodenator Pro. The death–dealing machine pumps oxygen and propane into the squirrels’ network of highways and sends a spark chasing after the combustible gases. As you can guess, the resulting boom obliterates the population and collapses the underground lair. (The Parks Department warns neighboring residents that it may sound like gunshots.)

Meyer Industries, the manufacturer of the Rodenator Pro, claim the varmint fix is both humane and ecologically friendly.

We thought of some other possible uses for the Rodenator Pro:

1) Forget about all those holes on the golf course—one blast with the RP and mission aeration complete.

2) Mice in your walls? Don’t call the Orkin man.

3) Frustrated gardeners should have these folks on speed dial. No bite marks on the broccoli or green beans this season. Just groundhog bits. (Ew.)

4) Clogged gutters.

For some hilarious videos and pictures of the carnage, look here. Is it just me, or are a good number of these folks smiling maniacally? I s’pose we all need some simple pleasures in these dark times.

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