Thanks to Nicole Caruth on Hyperallergic, I discovered a tool that is going to change not only my life, but the lives of anyone who writes about art, from artist writing her statement to student in a crit, to gallerist and PR, to critic. How? We’ll all save loads of time and mental energy with The Instant Art Critique Phrase Generator by Pixmaven. With the Generator, you simply enter a five-digit number into a field, click "create art critique," and the Generator spits out twistedly opaque and art-speaky "insights" in seconds! Automatic writing, indeed. Let’s give it a try with a few shows I’m currently thinking about:

The Dregs: Brandy Cochrane and Paul Middendorf at Marylhurst Art Gym
"It should be added that the disjunctive perturbation of the sexual signifier threatens to penetrate the substructure of critical thinking."

VANTAGE at Archer Gallery at Clark College
"With regard to the issue of content, the disjunctive perturbation of the spatial relationships brings within the realm of discourse the distinctive formal juxtapositions."

John Berry, Level 1: Stage 1 at Half/Dozen
"Although I am not a painter, I think that the reductive quality of the facture verges on codifying the accessibility of the work. "

Forth Estate at Fourteen30
"It’s difficult to enter into this work because of how the mechanical mark-making of the figurative-narrative line-space matrix spatially undermines the substructure of critical thinking."

Whew! See how easy that was? A few clicks and genius! Think I’ll go paint my nails.