Morrissey, ever disgruntled and curmudgeonly, we have a solution for your perennial malaise. Move to Portland, man! As an analysis of your lyrical back catalog makes clear, this is just the place for you. 

1. “Take me out tonight/Where there’s music and there’s people/ And they’re young and alive.” (There is a Light That Never Goes Out, 1986)

 Music? Check. People? Check. Young and alive? Didn’t you know Portland is the de facto place young people go to retire?

2. “I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear!” (This Charming Man, 1984)

Chillax, Big M. This is Portland. Dressing down is the new dressing up. Come in your normcore to be super on trend.

3. “We can go for a walk where it's quiet and dry/And talk about precious things/But the rain that flattens my hair/These are the things that kill me.” (The Queen is Dead, 1986)

 We hear you, Morrissey. Portland’s so pleasant when it’s dry, but rain—and though we might lately have forgotten it, we do get our fair share of rain—does terrible things to hipster hair.

4. “There is a place reserved/For me and my friends/And when we go/We all will go.” (There's a Place in Hell For Me And My Friends, 1991)

Um, just FYI Morrissey, a LOT of places in Portland refuse to do reservations. That said, there's a place for you in the line at Tasty n Sons on a Sunday morning that's can be pretty close to hell, depending on how your Saturday night went.

5. “I'd like to drop my trousers to the world.” (Nowhere Fast, 1985)

Three words for you, Morrissey. Naked. Bike. Ride.

Morrissey plays Edgefield on Thursday July 23.