The Portland Monthly Staff Reacts To The Star Wars Rogue One Trailer

Judge us as you will.

By Marty Patail April 7, 2016

The trailer for Rogue One, the first spin-off movie in the Disney-fied Star Wars universe, came out this morning. And it's a doozy: a Star Wars spy-heist-war movie about stealing the Death Star plans, pre-A New Hope. Since we were wasting precious magazine-making time talking about it anyway, we gathered all of our reactions here. There are noobs. There are nerds. Judge us as you will. 

Kelly Clarke, Senior Editor
SQUEEE. It’s totally the grown up version of Star Wars Rebels. Also, the new crop of Star Wars movies so far are like: Vaginas: 2, Empire: 0. So that’s awesome as well. 

Zach Dundas, Editor-in-Chief
Based on the trailer alone, I would say that the erotic fanfiction for this one will be off the chain. Also, if I don't get two solid minutes of expository dialogue on the political structure of the Rebel Alliance, I'm filing a formal complaint. I mean, is it a coalition? Is there a chief executive? What is happening? How are we supposed to believe that the stability of the Empire is not the better bet?

Eden Dawn, Style Editor
Pro: A girl kicking Storm Trooper ass. And capes galore! Cons: Nary a Leia bun in sight.

Ramona DeNies, Assistant Editor
Forest Whitaker!

Rebecca Jacobson, Digital Editor
Is that the Death Star or a subway station? Wait, does the Death Star still exist? Or did they already blow up that thing? Why doesn’t he pick up his long white cape while striding through that puddle? And can someone please make the beeping stop? (Not a S.W. nerd, obvi.)

Amy Martin, Associate Art Director
Got chills. Then put on Y Tu Mama Tambien soundtrack.

Fiona McCann, Arts Editor
Ass-kicking rebel girl meets explodey things in the thing we’re not allowed call a prequel without a trigger warning? Hello box office!

Mike Novak, Art Director
Imperial Walkers in the Bahamas! Sounds sweaty.

Margaret Seiler, Managing Editor
Stream of consciousness: Why does that actor look like Amanda Bynes? Is it fake Amanda Bynes? Is Amanda Bynes employable again? Is that fake Adrian Brody? Is everyone fake? What's with all these intense shoulder intro shots? OK, that's real Forest Whitaker, not fake Forest Whitaker.  Is that really an Asian actor playing someone skilled at martial arts? Isn't that sort of an Earth stereotype?*

*Follow-up: Fake Adrian Brody is Diego Luna. Diego Luna's awesome. Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights is not a bad film.

Benjamin Tepler, Associate Editor
Childhood nostalgia goosebumps. Forest Whitaker! Felicity Jones does her best Homeland imitation! Yavin 4 recreated  in painstaking detail! Space samurai!! Also: Death Star chic—white is in, black is out.

Molly Woodstock, Contributing Health Editor
I had to text my Star Wars friends so they would explain what it was and where it went in the timeline, but I think I get it now? 

Me, Associate Editor
I'll just let Banderas do the talking...

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