"Conspiracy theories are such a white dude thing. Like, you will never hear a woman talk about the Illuminati. Because for white dudes, it's like a mind-blowing concept. They're like, 'Can you believe that a small group of rich, powerful men control everything?' Um, yeah... yeah, I can." —Kate Willett 

“What the fuck did Guy Fieri ever do to you? People shit on that guy and as far as I can tell all he did was follow his dreams. Just because he has flames on his shirt, everyone treats him like he’s Hitler.” —Shane Torres 

“I thought I was rich until I flew Spirit Airlines. The Applebee's of the sky. It's the airline Soul Plane was based on.” —Quincy Jones

“Fireworks are hypnotic. Just like their brother-in-law, fire.” —Joe Pera

“Californian applause is just very dehydrated applause.” —Aimee Mann

“White men do a lot of bad shit. Like slavery. But also some great shit. Airplanes! Only a white man could invent that shit. Only a white guy looked into the sky, saw a bird, and thought, yeah, I should be able to do that.” —Sam Jay

“In the future, food will come in pill form so when your wife burns your dinner, you won’t have to smack her in the fucking face.” —Rachel Bloom, on the inability of sci-fi to imagine social progress

"My muscles are just made of sunflower seeds and hope." —Rhea Butcher, on being a lifelong vegetarian

"When you spill pills on the ground, there's no way to pick them up without looking like a human red flag." —Aparna Nancherla

"Monoracials, you have maybe one generation left. We're gonna paint everything over with our swarthy, green-eyed sexiness." —Curtis Cook

"I like Bernie Sanders, but everything that man says sounds like he's sending back soup." —Guy Branum