According to the weather forecast (which has never been wrong, ever!) the next few days are going to exceed the 90-degree mark. And because I care, so much, I surfed the web for some possible alcohol-induced methods for remaining cool, calm, and contentedly buzzed. As we all know, the secret to remaining sweat free is to conserve your energy and stay hydrated.

1. The Hopsicle Hey! You kids! Stay out of my freezer!

Pro: Refreshing, icy beer goodness.
Con: You’ll probably cut off a finger.

2. The Bottle Opener A bottle opener? On a shirt? The future is here!

Pro: A frosty beer need never again remain cruelly trapped in its oppressive bottle, a tantalizing distance from your parched mouth.
Con: Dorky looking and the opener will likely come off in the wash.

3. Beerbot Beer Pouring Robot Yes! Yes! Yes!

Pro: It keeps your beer cool and opens it for you! If they could make one that looked like Christina Hendricks, I’d declare my undying love for this divine technology. (Heh, heh, just kidding baby.)
Con: It doesn’t have wheels to follow you around—yet. Also, it only holds 6 12-ounce cans. What about the 40s? What about the 22s?

If they could make one the size of Christina Hendricks (with wheels!) it could probably hold a dang pony keg! By the way, if you’re still trying to decide what to get me for Christmas …

And if you, my dear drinking buddies, have some brilliant booze-inspired ideas, please share right here and now.