Call it a city-size game of musical chairs: out of Portland’s nine comprehensive high schools, only eight are likely to survive Portland Public Schools’ proposed redesign. That leaves a single mascot out in the cold, never to wave its giant foam finger again. But in this exciting age of genetics, why mope when you can mutate? Here, we’ve married a few of our favorite hoary mascots with a dose of modern-day swagger to create our own Dr. Moreau–style cheer squad. We’ll leave the fight songs up to you.

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