The Perfect Party: January 2014

A made-up mash-up of the month's most fascinating people, from Jerry Seinfeld to a ’90s teen heartthrob

Illustrations by Matty Newton January 2, 2014 Published in the January 2014 issue of Portland Monthly

Francesconi & Kafoury: 

Welcome two guests of honor: dueling candidates in this spring’s battle for Multnomah County chair. Jimmy F., we fondly remember your Italian language skills from your unsuccessful mayoral race—we sliced prosciutto for you.

Deborah, though we often need reminding exactly which Kafoury you are, five years on the county board could make you a sober option after Jeff Cogen’s sex-drugs-and-tobacco policy implosion. Wheatgrass?

Rasheed Wallace: 

Speaking of county affairs, we got the dessert silver out for this former Blazers bad boy, who finally paid off $150,000 in unpaid property taxes. Sheed, we hope you’ll show up: we got our baker to decorate a cake to look like a giant check. Cut it for us!

Rider Strong:

 Ice-cold Zima—or Crystal Pepsi for the kids—for the Boy Meets World ’90s teen heartthrob, recently married in Sandy. Rider, we’re into the bearded GQ look you sport these days, but you could be way ahead of the curve in bringing back Shawn Hunter’s mop do. 

Jerry Seinfeld:

 No soup for this 59-year-old stand-up legend, who plays a sold-out show at the Schnitz this month. Jerry, your old-school observational humor is aging like fine wine in this high-concept Portlandia age. But is it true that you still write out all your jokes longhand?

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