THE RAT KING

“Once, I (a straight woman) met the only straight guy at Blow Pony. I ended up going home with him, to an apartment near Union Station. As we lay on the futon, he states, ‘I want to introduce you to my friends.’ He crosses to the other side of the balcony and pulls out three of the biggest domestic rats I have ever seen, kisses them all on the mouth, and places them on me. ‘They like to burrow!’ he exclaims. I took that as my cue to GO!”—The Almost Rat Queen

THE BABY

“A friend set me up with a friend of his. I called her and we arranged a time that I would come and pick her up. She answered the door in a dark green bathrobe. It was open and she was completely naked underneath. She was also breast-feeding her young daughter. I stood there in silence. After a few seconds, the baby unhooked from her boob, looked at me and said, ‘Hi!’”—nkaz

THE GOOD SON

“He drove to dinner at the Multnomah Athletic Club, where his parents (yes) bought us dinner in the Men’s Bar. He ordered for me, not having any idea that I don’t eat red meat. After dinner, he drove me through several neighborhoods pointing out homes that his family owned. Back at my car, he cornered me, practically drooling on me. I asked him if I could call his parents to thank them again for dinner and drove off. Longest four hours of my LIFE!”—Why bother

THE GAMER

“The date began well; we had a lot in common, including that we both liked to play the Magic the Gathering card game. He invited me to his place to play a round or two. I won each game, and he became increasingly upset. After the seventh game he started bawling loudly, with tears streaming down his cheeks. I felt sorry for him, until he said, ‘I can’t believe I was beaten by a girl.’”—Claire

THE DENTIST

“Dentist wannabe decided to deliver a 20-minute lecture on TMJ, loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear, while standing at the table so he could use my jaw for demonstration.”—Gretchen