Should Portland Bring Back Pro Baseball?
UPSIDE
Real sports play 162 games a season, whether anyone cares or not!
Infield fly rule: totally common sense
Would provide the city’s only hipster/millennial-free safe zone
Nothing can top the simple joy of watching a WO GSH after a scary GIDP
Possibility of applying the no-crying-in-baseball rule citywide
Might help explain Grandpa’s metaphors
Team name currently available: ZOMBEAVERS
Less addictive than Ambien
Click for the Downside >>
DOWNSIDE
“Take Me Out to the Ball Game” lacks sick bass drop
Face it: Kurt Russell not coming back to play for us
Stadium construction could displace tight-knit communities of California transplants
Cracker Jack, so disappointing
Hard to maintain 1890s theme by lighting whole stadium with Edison bulbs
Could steal thunder from the Portland Pickles (our actual, amateur team)
Predicted increase in public jock-strap adjustments
More fun to listen to Dwight Jaynes whine about rise of soccer instead
<< Click for the Upside
Image: Courtesy Ostill/Shutterstock, digitally altered by Portland Monthly
