Should Portland Bring Back Pro Baseball?

America’s pastime has been banished from the city since 2010.

By Marty Patail July 12, 2016 Published in the August 2016 issue of Portland Monthly

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Real sports play 162 games a season, whether anyone cares or not!

Infield fly rule: totally common sense

Would provide the city’s only hipster/millennial-free safe zone

Nothing can top the simple joy of watching a WO GSH after a scary GIDP

Possibility of applying the no-crying-in-baseball rule citywide

Might help explain Grandpa’s metaphors

Team name currently available: ZOMBEAVERS

Less addictive than Ambien

Click for the Downside >>
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“Take Me Out to the Ball Game” lacks sick bass drop

Face it: Kurt Russell not coming back to play for us

Stadium construction could displace tight-knit communities of California transplants

Cracker Jack, so disappointing

Hard to maintain 1890s theme by lighting whole stadium with Edison bulbs

Could steal thunder from the Portland Pickles (our actual, amateur team)

Predicted increase in public jock-strap adjustments

More fun to listen to Dwight Jaynes whine about rise of soccer instead

<< Click for the Upside 

Image: Courtesy Ostill/Shutterstock, digitally altered by Portland Monthly

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