The Shakedown

What's the Deal, Santa?

We size up jolly old St. Nick.

By Marty Patail November 20, 2017 Published in the December 2017 issue of Portland Monthly

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↑ Upside

  • Immortal being that sneaks into your house at night—totally chill
  • Individually checks search histories before deciding naughty or nice
  • Material goods never fail to fill dark hole in our souls
  • Planet’s best chance for delivering world peace
  • North Pole home soon to have primo ocean view
  • As American as apple pie and baby Jesus
  • Makes out with your mom
  • Free shipping

↓ Downside 

  • Old men in red hats not the jolly vision they once were
  • Single-handedly propping up coal industry
  • Workshop struggling to source rare earth metals for new Xbox
  • Never would have started saying “Ho ho ho!” if he knew it would be his catchphrase
  • Will never know the ambrosial taste of reindeer meat, aka the Forbidden Flesh
  • Lost a battalion of elves in the War on Christmas
  • Mrs. Claus probably had dreams of her own once
  • In danger of inspiring another Tim Allen movie
  • Sock fetish
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