How to Fix Up Your Friend

Would you guest-curate your pal's online dating life?

By Fiona McCann January 30, 2018 Published in the February 2018 issue of Portland Monthly

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Image: Jack Dylan

I’m still not over OkDude, but I’ll get to that.

It started with a conversation with my single friend Amy about online dating’s trials. Yes, she wanted to meet someone. But not badly enough to face down the lions and tigers and sex pests (oh my!) she’d encountered. So ... would I consider guest-curating her online dating life?

Hell, yes! Married (with children), I haven’t had an excuse to dive into that pool since about 2007. How better to live the single life without the pitfalls? I took it on with suspicious fervor, and became Online Amy: an avid thumbs-upper, right-swiper, and profile trawler with, ahem, “a love of political discussion and multiple cats.”

The results were—initially, at least—mixed. Problem 1: Once I, as Online Amy, identified a potential suitor and drafted a breezy-but-winning message, I had to wait for Real Life Amy to actually press send. She took daaaaaaays to mull over her clogged (like, horrifically) inbox, ignoring my Type A need for instant results. Problem 2: Real Life Amy and Online Amy had different taste in men. (Depressive novelists are not RLA’s thing, turns out.) Problem 3: Only Real Life Amy got to go on the dates.

Case in point: OkDude, a man with a witty and grammatically impeccable profile, a winsomely brooding pic, and a rapid response rate—I knew he was “the one.” When Real Life Amy agreed to meet him IRL I sat back in smug anticipation, penning my toast for their inevitable nuptials. But the online ones and zeros failed to create live sparks. When Real Life Amy returned unenchanted I was crestfallen. Couldn’t she see how perfect he was for us?

In the end, Real Life Amy found her own Real Life Boyfriend: She actually excavated his online profile herself. I just sat on her until she followed through. Turns out, all I had to do was provide manic encouragement on and offline—and love found a way. 

The biggest takeaway? OkDude (not his real handle) is still out there, people. Get him while you can.

Fiona McCann is a senior editor at Portland Monthly who focuses on arts and culture. She will totally hook you up.
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