The Shakedown

What's the Deal with Doctors?

We size up those so-called medical experts.

By Marty Patail December 21, 2018 Published in the January 2019 issue of Portland Monthly

↑ Upside

  • More likely than average citizen to get an invite to a billionaire’s Eyes Wide Shut party
  • Piling them with med school debt allows them to focus on what’s important
  • Always email Portland Monthly staff with polite and respectful questions about Top Docs
  • “Do no harm” philosophy doesn’t have exception for Flat-Earthers
  • Always know just the right therapy to balance our black and yellow bile
  • Who else will buy the Lexuses?

↓ Downside

  • Somewhere along the line stopped wearing those sweet medieval bird beaks
  • Waiting room entertainment remains stuck in 1987
  • Don’t know anything truly useful like those philosophy PhDs
  • Could easily be made obsolete if everyone just walked it off
  • Constantly have to remind us what ophthalmology means
  • Frequently more Scrubs than House
  • Don’t actually say “Mylanta” much
  • Haven’t cured death yet
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