↑ Upside

• Excuse to blow off romance other 364 days
• The flutter of Cupid’s wings briefly drowns out the sound of the clock ticking down on your life
• As an adult, you don’t have to make a card for everyone in your class anymore
• Conveniently falls on a Thursday this year
• Hearts kinda look like upside-down butts, you know?
• Freedom to choo-choo-choose someone
• Definitely not forced or artificial
• Still a slightly better holiday than the Purge

↓ Downside

• Box of chocolates filled with high-fructose corn syrup surprisingly unstable basis for long-term commitment
• That one guy who smugly announces the whole thing was invented by Hallmark
• Commemorates day the Romans brutally decapitated St. Valentine, so ...
• Could do better if rebranded as National Boinkfest 2019
• Overshadows annual splendor of Oregon’s birthday (February 14, 1859!)
• Your Langbaan reservations aren’t until next February
• Not customary to gift actual hearts
• Roses are super basic