- Excuse to blow off romance other 364 days
- The flutter of Cupid’s wings briefly drowns out the sound of the clock ticking down on your life
- As an adult, you don’t have to make a card for everyone in your class anymore
- Conveniently falls on a Thursday this year
- Hearts kinda look like upside-down butts, you know?
- Freedom to choo-choo-choose someone
- Definitely not forced or artificial
- Still a slightly better holiday than the Purge
- Box of chocolates filled with high-fructose corn syrup surprisingly unstable basis for long-term commitment
- That one guy who smugly announces the whole thing was invented by Hallmark
- Commemorates day the Romans brutally decapitated St. Valentine, so ...
- Could do better if rebranded as National Boinkfest 2019
- Overshadows annual splendor of Oregon’s birthday (February 14, 1859!)
- Your Langbaan reservations aren’t until next February
- Not customary to gift actual hearts
- Roses are super basic