The Shakedown

What's Up with Valentine's Day, Anyway?

Let's size up this romance business.

By Marty Patail January 29, 2019 Published in the February 2019 issue of Portland Monthly

↑ Upside

  • Excuse to blow off romance other 364 days
  • The flutter of Cupid’s wings briefly drowns out the sound of the clock ticking down on your life
  • As an adult, you don’t have to make a card for everyone in your class anymore
  • Conveniently falls on a Thursday this year
  • Hearts kinda look like upside-down butts, you know?
  • Freedom to choo-choo-choose someone
  • Definitely not forced or artificial
  • Still a slightly better holiday than the Purge

↓ Downside

  • Box of chocolates filled with high-fructose corn syrup surprisingly unstable basis for long-term commitment
  • That one guy who smugly announces the whole thing was invented by Hallmark
  • Commemorates day the Romans brutally decapitated St. Valentine, so ...
  • Could do better if rebranded as National Boinkfest 2019
  • Overshadows annual splendor of Oregon’s birthday (February 14, 1859!)
  • Your Langbaan reservations aren’t until next February
  • Not customary to gift actual hearts
  • Roses are super basic
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