The Shakedown

What's the Deal with the Earth?

Sizing up our home planet in honor of Earth Day 2020

By Marty Patail April 1, 2020 Published in the April 2020 issue of Portland Monthly

↑ Upside

4.5 billion years of geologic and evolutionary history finally gave us Reddit

Tectonic plate system better than whatever the alternative is

Nature shows more interesting now that they’re gritty reboots

Definitely the center of the universe

Rightfully flexing on weak-ass Mercury

Rich, nougaty center

Decent pizza

↓ Downside


Would’ve been much easier to get your steps in on Pangaea

Not at all bouncy

Really only considered great because we have no other choices

Florida could use some tweaking

Piss-poor record of keeping species alive in last 3.5 billion years

Only reveals secrets to nerdy geologists

Been coasting since the Cambrian

Ice cube maker currently on the fritz

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