What's the Deal with the Earth?

Image: NarayTrace/Shutterstock and Portland Monthly Magazine
↑ Upside
4.5 billion years of geologic and evolutionary history finally gave us Reddit
Tectonic plate system better than whatever the alternative is
Nature shows more interesting now that they’re gritty reboots
Definitely the center of the universe
Rightfully flexing on weak-ass Mercury
Rich, nougaty center
Decent pizza
↓ Downside
Gassy
Would’ve been much easier to get your steps in on Pangaea
Not at all bouncy
Really only considered great because we have no other choices
Florida could use some tweaking
Piss-poor record of keeping species alive in last 3.5 billion years
Only reveals secrets to nerdy geologists
Been coasting since the Cambrian
Ice cube maker currently on the fritz