The Shakedown

Okay, What's the Deal with Wine?

We size up Oregon's grapiest beverage.

By Marty Patail September 23, 2019 Published in the October 2019 issue of Portland Monthly


Wine tastings served in tiny amounts to remind you of your place in the world

Pairs well with that “Live Laugh Love” sign hanging on your wall

Bottle easily converts to weapon in case of pirate brawl

Official drink of rom-com lead curled up on couch in Act 1

Only context in which “hint of leather” doesn’t sound weird

Inevitable headache keeps life’s pleasures balanced with pain

Thirst-quenchingly room temperature

Wine teeth definitely super sexy

Welches, but for adults


Often necessitates prolonged eye contact with a stranger while they describe it

Only beverage for which spitting out is actively encouraged

Quality of wine-fueled orgies hasn’t been the same since collapse of Rome

Lebron James likes Oregon pinot, but not enough to play here

Wine legs rarely referred to as “gams”

Color choices limited to shades of red and yellow

Doesn’t come in Diet or Ultra

The tannins, man

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