Sure, we may currently live in a bizarre dystopia where penguins are marching against the president and national parks are rebelling by tweeting scientific facts, but let’s turn our attention to what really matters: Portland finally has its very own vegan tiki bar.
Founded in 2014 as a roving food cart (named best in the city by Seattle Weekly), No Bones Beach Club evolved into a brick-and-mortar restaurant in Seattle last February, becoming the Ballard neighborhood’s first plant-based eatery. As word spread, jealous Portlanders began journeying up north to try out No Bones’ tropical fare, and owner MacKenzie DeVito started searching for a second location to feed the Stumptown vegans.
On Tuesday, January 24, Portland’s coconut cream mojito dreams came true. No Bones Beach Club opened its doors on North Mississippi Ave—just two blocks from the famous Homegrown Smoker Vegan Barbecue—and welcomed winter-weary patrons into a two-story explosion of surfboards, driftwood sculptures, plastic hula girls, and other tacky tropical sundries. (One Portlander observed that the décor looks “like someone was trapped on a desert island but really wanted to open a TGI Friday’s.”)
What can one order at a vegan tiki bar? Expect pineapple radish wontons, taro sandwiches, beer-batter avocado tacos, and jackfruit flautas that—apologies in advance—taste like chicken. A rum-spiked cocktail menu features piña coladas, mai tais, mojitos, and other classics that may or may not be served in the mouth of a shark. A brunch menu, which is notably available on Fridays, features faux-crab cake benedict, bagels with carrot lox, and blackberry mango stuffed French toast served with jalapeño maple syrup.
But wait, there’s more: as a decade-long vegan, DeVito pledges to donate a portion of all proceeds to a rotating slate of animal welfare organizations. Patrons can also expect live DJs for Saturday brunch, patio seating come summer, swinging nest chairs on the balcony, and a private tiki room just waiting to be rented by the herbivorous nouveau riche. All in all, it’s a perfect mood boost for Portlanders feeling dragged down by this long, strange, snowy winter. So sit back, relax, drink a painkiller from a shark head, and don’t check Twitter.
No Bones Beach Club
3928 N Mississippi Ave
4–10 p.m. Tuesday–Thursday
11 a.m.–11 p.m. Friday–Saturday
11 a.m.–10 p.m. Sunday