The Perfect Party: May 2012

The guests we’d most like at our dinner table this month.

Edited by Zach Dundas April 27, 2012 Published in the May 2012 issue of Portland Monthly

KALEB CANALES We’ll check ID, but we iced Champagne for the Trail Blazers’ interim coach. After the NBA team canned Nate McMillan, this 33-year-old former unpaid intern became pro hoops’ youngest coach, first Mexican-American coach, and a gleam in a stormy season. Kaleb, you give hope to all underlings who covet the corner office. Just don’t tell our interns, please.

MARK SALTVEIT We could “murder for a jar of red rum,” so we’ll mix a Dark & Stormy for the Portland comedian who won the first World Palindrome Championship. Saltveit’s entry makes little sense, but does work both ways: “Devil Kay fixes trapeze part; sex if yak lived.” Mark, if a cocktail doesn’t do it for you, remember: “Lager, sir, is regal.”

KATIE CARTER The next chair goes to this 12-year-old Vancouverite, who landed a berth in this month’s Scripps National Spelling Bee by winning Portland’s regional spell-off with “irascible.” Katie, that’s one of our favorite words. Later you can hammer the P-A-S-T-E out of us at Scrabble.

MITT ROMNEY We’ll set a place for the Rominator, even though he pulled the plug on a Portland debate. Mitt, we had Ron Paul marijuana-leaf buttons and bilevel Newt wigs ready. But how about we toast the Oregon primary with a virgin daiquiri?

TOOTIE SMITH We saved some empties for a target-shooting demonstration from this Clackamas politician, who raised campaign cash by auctioning a Glock. An Austrian brand? Tootie, you globalist rogue!

HOMER WILLIAMS This Portland developer will lead a table talk on self-reinvention. He pioneered Forest Heights, built resorts, and spearheaded the Pearl and South Waterfront. Now, his firm’s proposed LA hotel promises international moneybags US visas in exchange for investment, a model Williams wants to replicate here. Homer, do please bring a guest!

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