The Shakedown

Exercise: Is This All Really Worth It?

Sizing up getting sweaty.

By Marty Patail December 28, 2017 Published in the January 2018 issue of Portland Monthly

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↑ Upside

  • The great thing about Death is that it can be outrun, outsmarted, defeated
  • Releases natural endorphins when you tag gym visits on Facebook
  • Completely cancels out your usual awful habits
  • The President is against it, so it’s good for you
  • Sweat is weakness leaving the body, according to expert T-shirts
  • It’s been a couple of minutes—that’s good enough
  • Dem gains

↓ Downside 

  • Can’t fast-forward between sections of this training montage
  • Better to store fat for nuclear winter
  • Someone at gym watching the Food Network
  • Bloated is a form of swole, after all
  • Impossible to work out to mournful Portland indie music
  • Goats not yet incorporated into all forms of physical activity
  • Treadmill way too obvious as metaphor for futility
  • Muscles are so gauche
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