JOHN McAFEE A recent Portland move makes this antivirus software (and gonzo behavior) pioneer our obvious guest of honor. John, we await your tales of girls, guns, tropical hideouts, government plots, and dodging murder raps in Belize. And while we can’t exactly match your outlandish tales, we could dress as your favorite James Bond villain. Piña colada? Or something stronger? 

TIM MUELLER Linn County’s sheriff snags an invite for his letter to Vice President Biden, saying he won’t enforce “unconstitutional” gun laws. Tim, we’re sure Joe found your take on federalism very interesting. Praise the Lord and pass the hummus, please.

LISA SEDLAR We’re shaking up our famed kombucha daiquiris for the ex–New Seasons CEO, who left to start her own local grocery chain. Reports suggest that Green Zebra’s enviro-conscious new spin on ye olde convenience store, debuting with two east-side locations, won’t sell cigs or 40-ouncers. Even so—congratulations, Lisa!

MARK HELFRICH Oregon coach Chip Kelly’s flight to the NFL leaves this Coos Bay native in charge of the flocking Ducks. Mark, we understand your contract includes tough requirements to follow NCAA rules. Hopefully it also bans Chip’s annoying visor. 

ALLISON FURLOTTI This young artist (and heiress) became one of Portland’s biggest creative benefactors by giving more than $100,000 to artists associated with North Portland’s Falcon Arts Community last year. Now she’s channeling more cash through PICA and a Warhol Foundation project, seriously boosting Portland’s national art-world bona fides. Love the Medici model, Allison. Do you have any friends interested in, um, journalism?