Ke Huy Quan

An everything bagel with extra cream cheese for this Everything Everywhere All at Once actor. We had money on Martha Plimpton to be the first Goonie to win an Oscar, but we’re happy to be wrong. Tell us if Short Round is going to take up Indy’s hat and whip.  

Intisar Abioto

Extra salt on the table in case this The Black Portlanders photographer (and guest curator for Portland Art Museum’s Black Artists of Oregon exhibit, opening August 23) needs to do some very-old-school photo printing. Intisar, maybe sneak us in for an after-hours tour?

Taylor Swift

We’ll decorate a cake with Vaux’s swift silhouettes for this entertainer. Tay-Tay, you got famous when you were still school-age, and we’re worried your tutors skipped some geography lessons. That must be why you forgot to add a Portland stop on your Eras tour. 

Mike Schmidt

Energy bars for this first-term Multnomah County DA, who got a landslide win and a John Legend endorsement in 2020, but already has challengers for the 2024 election. Mike, your job sounds pretty crummy. Do people think it comes with Taylor Swift tickets or something? 

Douglas Fur

This Blaze sidekick thinks we’re just going to, like, love him? Just like that? Well, Doug E. Not-So-Fresh, we don’t know if that buffalo plaid thing you’re wearing for your mascot gig at Blazer games is a vest or a corset, but any friend of Ian Karmel is a friend of ours. For now.