THOMAS LAUDERDALE & THE NUGE For twin toastmasters, we take our cue from the State of the Union. Lauderdale, leader of dapper Portland retro-popsters Pink Martini, sat next to Ted Nugent, hard-rock gun nut, during Obama’s big speech. Thomas, you reported that you and Mr. Wang Dang Doodle had a nice chat. Can you crack the ice again as we dine on some of Ted’s signature big game? 

ALEXANDER SAMPLE Before we dig in, let’s hear a few words from Portland’s new Catholic archbishop. The Montana native comes here from a post in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula with over 3,000 Twitter followers and positive buzz among doctrinal conservatives. Welcome to Portland, Archbishop: please get things off to a feel-good start with a nonsectarian, Wicca-friendly blessing. 

MELODY ROSE Sample isn’t the only person inheriting tough duty. Rose steps in as Oregon’s first female universities chancellor after the state higher-ed board effec-tively ousted George Pernsteiner. Rumors are our schools-rattling guv may eliminate your new job, Melody dear. May we mix you a mimosa and give you Susan Castillo’s number? 

ISAIAH JOEL SCHWEBKE Sadly, we’ll have to toast Mr. Schwebke in absentia (or get him on Skype). The prolific vandal, who cops say started tagging stuff back in ’96, squiggled his way across the country before a Multnomah County probation violation landed him a one-year prison hitch. Sorry you can’t join us, Isaiah. We so hoped you’d tag our guestbook.  

ENGLISH GARDNER We’ll prep some lean proteins and complex carbs for this U of O sprinter, who spearheaded the Ducks’ quest for indoor track glory with a win at NYC’s prestigious Millrose Games. English, you just zipped 60 meters in seven seconds. Can we put you opposite Ted Nugent so you can show him what “fast draw” really means?