BIKE SNOB NYC Head of the table goes to the dyspeptic cycling blogger/author also known as Eben Weiss. Sir Snob, your new book says that Portland is just so pro-bike it “kinda made me want to puke.” Well! Sorry we don’t garb our geeky enthusiasm in New York cool, Eben. Have a spritzer and we’ll discuss the true meaning of multimodality.

JUSTICES ROBERTS & THOMAS We reserved the loveseat for two right-of-center justices putting Portland colleges on the Supreme scene. John Roberts reffed a Lewis & Clark moot court this spring; Clarence Thomas will address University of Portland kids this fall. Gentlemen, let’s pound some Sam Adams to honor the Founders and book Scalia for PNCA’s next commencement. We could call it performance art! 

DELORES DINGMAN The jurists will love hearing from this Tualatin battler, who just beat Wells Fargo in a three-year foreclosure fight. A judge smacked down the bank for failing to prove Delores was behind on payments on the home she’s owned since 1967. Delores, we hope we have your spunk when we’re 80. Take the first crack at the buffet. 

JOSH KARDON We can’t wait to kibitz with the former chief of staff to Sen. Ron Wyden. One of Oregon’s most skillful backroom political players, Kardon registered as a lobbyist for ExxonMobil this spring. Exciting new gig, Josh. Let’s fire up the barbecue: we’ll bring our finest meats, you bring the gas, oil, and a drill. Who knows what lies beneath our flowerbeds?  

WALLY THE GATOR We drained the pool for our final guest, a teenage alligator found living a swinging bachelor’s existence in Clackamas. Poor Wally was abandoned in a shed by an owner who didn’t have the permit Oregon requires for gator-rearing. But things are looking up, Wally: we Googled “alligator diet” and laid in a huge supply of wax worms. So give us a snap!