The Perfect Party: April 2014

A made-up mash-up of the month's most fascinating people, from Portland's only professional cuddler to Arlene Schnitzer.

Illustrations by Matty Newton April 2, 2014 Published in the April 2014 issue of Portland Monthly


Everyone gets a big, warm hug from Hess, Portland’s only professional cuddler. Due to her success, Hess is hiring understudy cuddlers who must pass a rigorous 40-hour training session. Samantha, cheers to you for revitalizing our economy. It’s not creepy at all.


This production designer for Portlandia won big at this year’s Art Directors Guild Awards, edging out heavyweight competition. Tyler, we’re proud you spun our twee into such a good-looking show. How about a Game of Thrones–style makeover for next season? 


Bread and wine for Francke, a local evangelical writer spearheading a pro-evolution campaign ahead of the March 29 creationist conference in Portland. Tyler, we applaud your push to reconcile faith with science. But we’re a little sad Moses never rode a velociraptor. 


The soundtrack will be all brass in honor of this late street musician who manned the west end of the Hawthorne Bridge for years. In January, TriMet refused to consider his name for its new bridge, even though it was the most popular choice in a public vote. 


We’re cutting a Whopper into easy-to-chew pieces for the city’s leading philanthropist and art patron, who recently choked on her food at a local Burger King. Mrs. Schnitzer, we’re so glad a Samaritan knew the Heimlich—and that you’re rocking BK with us plebs!

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