Gil Kelley

First turn with the Talking Conch goes to our former city-planning chief, who just landed the same job in San Fran. Gil, we’ll crack cold ones; you connect the dots between plotting the Pearl District and solving SF’s growth and gentrification woes. You got this!

Jill Kuehler

Portland Monthly is throwing a real-life party to benefit Zenger Farms—this month’s Country Brunch—so a pretend invite seemed like the least we could do for this urban-agriculture advocate. Jill, you did remember to bring all the food, right?

Cyndi Lauper

Craving retro fabulousness (and hairspray), we cleared a spot for this ‘80s trash-pop icon, who plays the Moda Center with Cher this month. Cyndi, we love you so, we won’t even mention the pro wrestling thing. Well, OK: what was Captain Lou really like?

John Kinnucan

Our coveted “noir wild card” goes to this former Portland finance analyst, who was slammed by the SEC with $6 million in fines for insider trading. We think your saga seems fascinating, John. What? You’re in prison? Can you Skype? 

The Goonies Sequel

We’ll improv scenes for the rumored follow-up to 1985’s cult film about plucky Astoria teens. Jill, you’re Martha Plimpton. Gil, Josh Brolin. We call Corey Feldman. And Cyndi, you belt out “Goonies ‘R’ Good Enough,” like you did the first time.