John Kitzhaber & Cylvia Hayes

Let’s serve slow-roasted turkey for our four-term governor and his First Lady. It took a while, you two, but those allegations of access selling, misuse of state money, and the conflation of green ideals and greenbacks really piled up! We can’t wait to hear the unexpurgated version of your side(s) of the story. But first, we’ve selected a short predinner reading from Proverbs. Just start here, where it says, “Pride goeth before destruction....”

Sam Adams

Say it ain’t so, Sam! Our former mayor is ditching town to head up a climate change initiative in DC. Sam, we feel good putting global warming in your hands. If there’s anyone who can deal with all that hot air, it’s you. (We kid!)

Sandy Miller

We’re juicing carrots and ginger for Providence Health’s director of health education, who nixed sodas and other sugary drinks at its Portland facilities. Nice one, Sandy. But you’re not going all Dr. Kellogg on us, are you?

Marcus Mariota

A heaping plate of loco moco for the Hawaiian QB, winner of the Ducks’ first Heisman. Marcus, we love you despite the Ohio State loss. However, nothing can make up for that “Girls, Jesus, and Marcus Mariota” T-shirt. Not your fault.