CJ Phillips and Charlie Rainwater

Let’s pop some Champagne for this forward-thinking local couple, who snatched up jebbushforpresident.com and have no current plans to give it up to the ex-Florida guv’s presidential campaign. Guys, if you want to use the URL to advocate for gay rights at the expense of a man who’s long opposed them, that’s totally cool with us. But please leave draftromneynow.com alone. We have plans for that one.

Kate Brown

Congratulations, Ms. Brown, on becoming governor. Honestly though, we were going to invite you, anyway. Now that the craziness is over, can we finally talk about that gushy letter you wrote to help Comcast? Weird! 



Mohammed Bin Nayef 

It turns out Saudi Arabia’s new deputy crown prince took classes from Lewis & Clark College back in the ’70s. Hooray for PDX-Saudi relations. Tonight, we’re making the balsamic vinaigrette with crude oil!




The main course: ketchup and fries from this Oregon-engineered hybrid that produces potatoes at its roots and tomatoes on the vine. The longhairs will howl, but we say Tomtato’s the future. Now, can we fuse buns to grazing cattle? 

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