What’s the Deal with Kate Brown?
Spells name with a “K” like good, normal Katherines
Politics align perfectly with all Oregonians who happen to live in Portland
Only current guv in nation who can list “epic predecessor meltdown” as means of attaining office
Born in the same town as pro wrestler Kane, who was totally great at WrestleMania XXIV
Understands what’s going on with that whole Oracle thing
Increased minimum wage after seeing firsthand the financial hardships of certain past governors
Not entirely impossible to imagine her morning motivational speech in mirror includes the words “You slay”
Scourge of Salem, bane of Bundys
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Ignores upkeep of Kitzhaber’s Mahonia Hall panic room
$10,000 donation from Comcast didn’t include Xfinity Triple Play
Yet to respond to calls to rename herself “Governory McGovernorface”
Landmark status as America’s first openly LGBTQ governor has failed to ignite final, apocalyptic culture war
Administrative Assistant of State still called by outdated term “Secretary”
Still hasn’t apologized for pastime of following her favorite folk band around Oregon
Primary advantage over Republican challenger is people knowing she exists
Do we really need another Hufflepuff?
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Photo courtesy the office of Kate Brown, digitally altered by Portland Monthly.