The Shakedown

What’s the Deal with Kate Brown?

After lucking into the gig, Oregon’s governor runs for reals.

By Marty Patail October 10, 2016 Published in the November 2016 issue of Portland Monthly


Spells name with a “K” like good, normal Katherines

Politics align perfectly with all Oregonians who happen to live in Portland

Only current guv in nation who can list “epic predecessor meltdown” as means of attaining office

Born in the same town as pro wrestler Kane, who was totally great at WrestleMania XXIV

Understands what’s going on with that whole Oracle thing

Increased minimum wage after seeing firsthand the financial hardships of certain past governors

Not entirely impossible to imagine her morning motivational speech in mirror includes the words “You slay”

Scourge of Salem, bane of Bundys

Click for the Downside >>
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Ignores upkeep of Kitzhaber’s Mahonia Hall panic room

$10,000 donation from Comcast didn’t include Xfinity Triple Play

Yet to respond to calls to rename herself “Governory McGovernorface”

Landmark status as America’s first openly LGBTQ governor has failed to ignite final, apocalyptic culture war

Administrative Assistant of State still called by outdated term “Secretary”

Still hasn’t apologized for pastime of following her favorite folk band around Oregon

Primary advantage over Republican challenger is people knowing she exists

Do we really need another Hufflepuff?

<< Click for the Upside 

Photo courtesy the office of Kate Brown, digitally altered by Portland Monthly.

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