2016: Sizing Up the Year That Can’t End Soon Enough
UPSIDE
Compared to 1347 AD this was nothing
If nothing else, so many David Bowie and Prince dance parties
Surely this scarred, dead-inside emotional numbness builds character
Giving millennials plenty of material to bore their eventual grandkids
We got to find out which friends and family members are definitely racist
Let’s be real: future generations have gotten too demanding
Another year of not paying arts tax
Click for the Downside >>
DOWNSIDE
No way to tell robots harvesting our body heat for energy to reboot simulation
Hawaiian poke trend sweeping Portland peaking too soon
Time is a flat circle
This chapter of history textbook unlikely to include the words “greatest generation”
No one left to correct Johnny Depp that, no, he wasn’t the best Willy Wonka
Improbable that we’ll all look back at this and laugh someday
Only matter of time until Jacobsen Salt has obligatory collab with Bundy family
<< Click for the Upside
Photo courtesy Shutterstock/Karandaev, digitally altered by Portland Monthly.
