The Shakedown

We Can't Even with This: Shaking Down the Patriarchy


By Marty Patail March 20, 2017 Published in the April 2017 issue of Portland Monthly

Pomo 0417 postscript shakedown patriarchy statue of david cuyj7d

↑ Upside

  • “Men’s Rights” movement makes it easy to identify nation’s mouthbreathers
  • Additional checkboxes under “Sex” might upset fragile bureaucrats
  • Glass ceilings could simply be rebranded as sunroofs or skylights
  • How will our subsistence farming society function without it?
  • Critics of gender wage gap ignore fact that mo’ money mo’ problems
  • Adam and Eve remain totally relevant metaphor for 2017
  • Historically safe long-term investment option
  • “Paterfamilias” fun to say

↓ Downside

  • Ability to reach things on top shelf admittedly dubious foundation for social system
  • Wizened, bearded patriarch population already dwindling
  • In steep decline since Arnold Schwarzenegger got pregnant in Junior
  • “Honey, I’m home!” doesn’t have same ring now that house is cold and empty
  • Dismal 50 percent satisfaction rate among humans
  • List of good wars short
  • Concept kinda peaked with codpieces tbh
  • Ominous signs system is barreling toward global calamity—but, eh, it’s probably nothing
Filed under
Show Comments