- Company’s innovative breathable, moisture-wicking materials give other bar patrons impression you could climb a mountain
- Experience fleeing Nazi Germany makes her state’s most reliable canary in the coal mine
- Hails originally from Augsburg, whose citizens are called “Fuggers.” She’s a fugger mother!
- Pioneered the personal scent technology “damp and sweaty”
- Company crushes L.L. Bean in coolness
- Source of Cabela’s hottest sneaker drops
- Cackles maniacally every time she sees rain clouds
- List of accomplishments less impressive considering she’s had 93 years to compile it
- Gave $100 million to Knight Cancer Institute—well short of the $78 trillion it would take to really impress anyone
- Probably only two product iterations away from full rubber body condoms
- Responsible for every Portlander’s bad high school photos
- Yet to sign A-list athlete to rain-overalls sponsorship
- Whiffed on Go-Gurt co-branding opportunity
- What kind of name is “Gert,” anyway?
- Almost certainly judging you