↑ Upside

• Company’s innovative breathable, moisture-wicking materials give other bar patrons impression you could climb a mountain
• Experience fleeing Nazi Germany makes her state’s most reliable canary in the coal mine
• Hails originally from Augsburg, whose citizens are called “Fuggers.” She’s a fugger mother!
• Pioneered the personal scent technology “damp and sweaty”
• Company crushes L.L. Bean in coolness
• Source of Cabela’s hottest sneaker drops

↓ Downside

• Cackles maniacally every time she sees rain clouds
• List of accomplishments less impressive considering she’s had 93 years to compile it
• Gave $100 million to Knight Cancer Institute—well short of the $78 trillion it would take to really impress anyone
• Probably only two product iterations away from full rubber body condoms
• Responsible for every Portlander’s bad high school photos
• Yet to sign A-list athlete to rain-overalls sponsorship
• Whiffed on Go-Gurt co-branding opportunity
• What kind of name is “Gert,” anyway?
• Almost certainly judging you