The Shakedown

What's the Deal with Columbia Sportswear Magnate Gert Boyle?

We size up Oregon's "tough mother."

By Marty Patail April 17, 2017 Published in the May 2017 issue of Portland Monthly

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↑ Upside

  • Company’s innovative breathable, moisture-wicking materials give other bar patrons impression you could climb a mountain
  • Experience fleeing Nazi Germany makes her state’s most reliable canary in the coal mine
  • Hails originally from Augsburg, whose citizens are called “Fuggers.” She’s a fugger mother!
  • Pioneered the personal scent technology “damp and sweaty”
  • Company crushes L.L. Bean in coolness
  • Source of Cabela’s hottest sneaker drops

↓ Downside

  • Cackles maniacally every time she sees rain clouds
  • List of accomplishments less impressive considering she’s had 93 years to compile it
  • Gave $100 million to Knight Cancer Institute—well short of the $78 trillion it would take to really impress anyone
  • Probably only two product iterations away from full rubber body condoms
  • Responsible for every Portlander’s bad high school photos
  • Yet to sign A-list athlete to rain-overalls sponsorship
  • Whiffed on Go-Gurt co-branding opportunity
  • What kind of name is “Gert,” anyway?
  • Almost certainly judging you
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