The Shakedown

You Just Moved Here. So What Gives, Portland?

We subject the Rose City to a sniff test.

By Marty Patail June 30, 2017 Published in the Newcomer's Guide: 2017 issue of Portland Monthly

Newcomers guide 2017 white stag portland shakedown gyghfa

Portland's iconic White Stag sign

↑ Upside

  • Embodies everything that your crazy conservative uncle rants against on Facebook
  • Trail Blazers just good enough to instill false hope year after year
  • Forest Park offers lazy nature escape with bare minimum of effort
  • Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” not official city power ballad
  • Strong chance you’re in the band you’re going to see
  • Sun shines 365 days a year (if you’re at 30,000 feet)
  • Soggy is a state of mind, man

↓ Downside

  • Caffeine jitters infectious
  • Liberal bubble not yet hermetically sealed
  • Slowly transforming itself into Amélie location set
  • Oregon unfairly difficult to pronounce, apparently
  • Rivers too easily become metaphor for flowing tears
  • Brunch lines and political protests increasingly indistinguishable
  • After six months here, you need a trigger warning on the rest of the world
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