The Shakedown

What's the Deal with Portland Public Schools?

We size up our local educational overlords.

By Marty Patail August 14, 2017 Published in the September 2017 issue of Portland Monthly

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↑ Upside

  • Deliberate board decision-making process spans full length of any one child’s K–12 education
  • History curriculum includes daily field trips to ancient, crumbling schools of the past
  • Accommodating to many types of parents, from outraged to apoplectic
  • Courageous Conversations program sorts everyone into Gryffindor
  • Superintendent hiring process a solid reality show concept
  • Short calendar encourages innovative homeschooling methods
  • System’s inadequacies last only until graduation
  • All 49,189 students to overcome the odds and succeed

↓ Downside 

  • Weather closures protect the alpine dwellers of the precipitous west side
  • Sort of like if Fast Times at Ridgemont High got a gritty Nolan reboot
  • Scheduling clearly devised by someone who has never held a job
  • Telling kids to “get the lead out” now has dark overtones
  • Local Blanes still stealing hearts of local Andies
  • Hard to blame Trump for the state of things
  • All future teachers to be named Alexa
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