The Shakedown

America: At This Point, Is It Time to Let Go?

We size up the big kahuna.

By Marty Patail January 30, 2018 Published in the February 2018 issue of Portland Monthly

0218 shakedown america fscag9

↑ Upside

  • If we stay really quiet, Trump will probably continue to ignore us
  • Exactly the partisan nightmare the founding fathers intended
  • Basically if a face-melting guitar solo became a country
  • Still world’s primary exporter of YouTube unboxing videos
  • Cascadia’s Got Talent just doesn’t sound right
  • Amber waves of grain and whatnot
  • Constitution drafted on sturdy three-ply

↓ Downside 

  • The Rock’s possible White House run isn’t even funny
  • Invented footbag, but not going to this year’s World Cup
  • Whose idea was it to supersize England?
  • Too many other Portlands
  • Mountains not actually purple
  • Not walkable
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