↑ Upside

  • Death didn’t come for you
  • Second breakfast and elevenses
  • Blessed respite from nightly vampire attacks
  • Snooze button
  • Less of a bummer than the version with a “u”
  • You’re not one of the ding-dongs waiting in line at Screen Door
  • Makes words like “glory” and “wood” instantly funny
  • The motherforking dew
  • The beginning of another day

↓ Downside

  • Death didn’t come for you
  • Unnecessary now that McDonald’s serves breakfast past noon
  • Happens every day—so boring
  • Sanctimonious
  • early risers and worm-hogging birds
  • Sunlight controlled and rationed by cabal of cruel and stingy farmers
  • Folgers in your cup
  • A Trump tweetstorm is probably waiting
  • Being healthy, wealthy, and wise not really our brand
  • The beginning of another day
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