The Shakedown

So What's the Deal With Morning, Anyway?

We size up the earliest time of day.

By Portland Monthly Staff April 23, 2019 Published in the May 2019 issue of Portland Monthly

↑ Upside

  • Death didn’t come for you
  • Second breakfast and elevenses
  • Blessed respite from nightly vampire attacks
  • Snooze button
  • Less of a bummer than the version with a “u”
  • You’re not one of the ding-dongs waiting in line at Screen Door
  • Makes words like “glory” and “wood” instantly funny
  • The motherforking dew
  • The beginning of another day

↓ Downside

  • Death didn’t come for you
  • Unnecessary now that McDonald’s serves breakfast past noon
  • Happens every day—so boring
  • Sanctimonious
  • early risers and worm-hogging birds
  • Sunlight controlled and rationed by cabal of cruel and stingy farmers
  • Folgers in your cup
  • A Trump tweetstorm is probably waiting
  • Being healthy, wealthy, and wise not really our brand
  • The beginning of another day
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