↑ Upside

• Death didn’t come for you
• Second breakfast and elevenses
• Blessed respite from nightly vampire attacks
• Snooze button
• Less of a bummer than the version with a “u”
• You’re not one of the ding-dongs waiting in line at Screen Door
• Makes words like “glory” and “wood” instantly funny
• The motherforking dew
• The beginning of another day

↓ Downside

• Death didn’t come for you
• Unnecessary now that McDonald’s serves breakfast past noon
• Happens every day—so boring
• Sanctimonious
• early risers and worm-hogging birds
• Sunlight controlled and rationed by cabal of cruel and stingy farmers
• Folgers in your cup
• A Trump tweetstorm is probably waiting
• Being healthy, wealthy, and wise not really our brand
• The beginning of another day