What’s the Deal with the Portland Timbers?

The upsides and downsides of the city’s men’s soccer team, whose 10th MLS season begins on March 1.

By Marty Patail and Margaret Seiler February 25, 2020 Published in the March 2020 issue of Portland Monthly

↑ Upside

  • A player’s 2019 substance abuse issues helped convince doubters soccer is, in fact, an actual sport
  • Timbers Army belts out some real bangers, like Elvis’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love with You”
  • Superstar Diego Valeri’s man bun only lasted a season
  • Game-long dance of trying not to spill a $10.50 beer is a legit workout
  • Pitbull and Kesha’s “Timber” thankfully not official team anthem
  • Stadium expansion gives great view of surface of the sun
  • Capos shouting at you to sing louder increases enjoyment
  • 2015

↓ Downside

  • Repeatedly having to explain the Iron Front to the boomer next to you
  • Red and green color variations garishly Christmassy
  • Record of consecutive sold-out games means no one can actually go
  • Owner Merritt Paulson stopped fighting with fans on Twitter
  • All-Chara team a few years from being a reality
  • Dozens of Portland Beavers fans still bitter
  • If pattern holds, we’ll have a Timber Jerry or Timber Josh someday
  • 2012
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