↑ Upside

  • A player’s 2019 substance abuse issues helped convince doubters soccer is, in fact, an actual sport
  • Timbers Army belts out some real bangers, like Elvis’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love with You”
  • Superstar Diego Valeri’s man bun only lasted a season
  • Game-long dance of trying not to spill a $10.50 beer is a legit workout
  • Pitbull and Kesha’s “Timber” thankfully not official team anthem
  • Stadium expansion gives great view of surface of the sun
  • Capos shouting at you to sing louder increases enjoyment
  • 2015

↓ Downside

  • Repeatedly having to explain the Iron Front to the boomer next to you
  • Red and green color variations garishly Christmassy
  • Record of consecutive sold-out games means no one can actually go
  • Owner Merritt Paulson stopped fighting with fans on Twitter
  • All-Chara team a few years from being a reality
  • Dozens of Portland Beavers fans still bitter
  • If pattern holds, we’ll have a Timber Jerry or Timber Josh someday
  • 2012
Show Comments