THE SHAKEDOWN
What’s the Deal with the Portland Timbers?
The upsides and downsides of the city’s men’s soccer team, whose 10th MLS season begins on March 1.
↑ Upside
- A player’s 2019 substance abuse issues helped convince doubters soccer is, in fact, an actual sport
- Timbers Army belts out some real bangers, like Elvis’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love with You”
- Superstar Diego Valeri’s man bun only lasted a season
- Game-long dance of trying not to spill a $10.50 beer is a legit workout
- Pitbull and Kesha’s “Timber” thankfully not official team anthem
- Stadium expansion gives great view of surface of the sun
- Capos shouting at you to sing louder increases enjoyment
- 2015
↓ Downside
- Repeatedly having to explain the Iron Front to the boomer next to you
- Red and green color variations garishly Christmassy
- Record of consecutive sold-out games means no one can actually go
- Owner Merritt Paulson stopped fighting with fans on Twitter
- All-Chara team a few years from being a reality
- Dozens of Portland Beavers fans still bitter
- If pattern holds, we’ll have a Timber Jerry or Timber Josh someday
- 2012
