And just like that, HBO Max announced this week that it would reboot Sex and the City, hot on the heels of news that Broadway dame Donna Murphy would appear on the network’s upcoming Gossip Girl reboot. It’s been a good week to be gay and on the internet.
Every silver cloud has a dark lining, however, and this particular rush came with some apex “disappointed by not surprised” news: Kim Cattrall will not be returning to the series as beloved, problematic PR exec Samantha Jones. Cattrall’s tension with her SATC costars is notorious and well-documented, but some of us held out hope that a Harrods teapot-sized miracle might intervene and bring Samantha back for a shot at redemption after she was last seen saying “Lawrence of my labia” in S*x a*d t*e C*ty 2.
Predictably, Twitter caught fire speculating how the show would handle Samantha’s absence. Would it kill her off? Recast her? Send her to a remote island? Carrie herself got in on the fun, and we couldn’t help but wonder … which Portlanders might be ready to step up to the plate? And who might they tap for wardrobe help?
Why she’d be great: Iconic one liners? ✔️ Bold fashion sense? ✔️ The most entertaining person in the friend group? ✔️ Truth be told, we can’t be sure that Samantha Jones wasn’t based on Poison Waters.
Obstacles: Portland can’t afford to lose our favorite event host.
Who she’d wear: No off the rack here. Your girl gets custom everything. We think designer/Project Runway contestant Sonia Kasparian’s glittery gowns are the perfect fit for our queen.
Why she’d be great: Large, singer for Pink Martini and former contestant on Rockstar: Supernova, already has the essence of Samantha down with her blonde hair and body positivity vibes.
Who she’d wear: Perfectly tailored Myriam Marcela in wild prints with the kind of detailing that turns heads.
Why he’d be great: His gilded Pearl District bachelor pad screams “PR exec,” and in last week’s viral clip of protesters confronting him on a date at Café Nell, Wheeler point-blank asked one how old they were—a very Samantha Jones question.
Obstacles: How to put this delicately ... not sure Mr. Mayor has the, mmm, charisma to pull it off.
Who he’d wear: Without a doubt—a turtleneck and blazer combo from Bonobos.
Why she’d be great: She is the archetypal powerful, blonde Portland icon. For four decades, men wanted her, women wanted to be her, moms said, "Did you see what that Tracy Barry said on Channel 8 last night?" She exuded absolute control from her anchor’s seat, guiding the Portland area into the 21st century with grace and hairstyle changes at least as significant as Samantha’s. Who’s her agent? Get them on the phone.
Obstacles: She retired from KGW in 2018 after 33 years with the network, and it appears she’s pivoted to flowers in the meantime, making good on a promise to slow her roll. Fingers crossed that, even if she never returns to the small screen for an extended stay, Barry will at least take a page from Cattrall and start appearing in sultry Nintendo commercials somewhere down the line.
Who she’d wear: Barry is a sophisticated gal and would likely go for the Portland version of the famed Diane von Fürstenberg wrap dress, the locally made (and locally loved) wrap by Northwest boutique/brand Folly.
Why she’d be great: She’s got the fire, tenacity, and scene-stealing one-liners down.
Obstacles: She’s really more of a Miranda.
Who she’d wear: She supports local businesses, and can work a power suit. That equals one of Wildfang’s houndstooth suits.
She Bop Founders Evy Cowan and Jeneen Doumitt
Why they’d be great: It feels inevitable that Samantha would, at some point, become an entrepreneur and open a “friendly neighborhood sex shop” named after a Cyndi Lauper song.
Obstacles: Do they split the role? Who keeps one of Portland’s most beloved sex brands alive during shooting?
Who they'd wear: We could see an embrace of Boho vibes here and think that Altar’s house line of flowy dresses and velvet pants would fit the bill.
John Cameron Mitchell
Why he’d be great: He’s proven his worth at playing cartoons with a human center in projects like Shrill and Hedwig and the Angry Inch, and he has a preexisting relationship with 30-minute New York-set HBO comedies after his recurring role on Girls.
Obstacles: The tension between Cattrall and her costar Sarah Jessica Parker is an essential part of SATC lore—this friendly shot of Mitchell backstage at Hedwig with Parker and her husband Matthew Broderick is a little too cozy.
Ursula K. Le Guin
Why she’d be great: Look, if you’re going to recast an icon, you better bring in another icon. We think Le Guin would deliver the facts at those long diner brunches while Carrie waffles over an inane decision.
Obstacles: She is dead.
Who she’d wear: Something monochromatic from Mercantile.