The Shakedown

Hiking Happens in Oregon. Should It?

We size up hitting the trail.

By Marty Patail June 19, 2018 Published in the July 2018 issue of Portland Monthly

↑ Upside

  • Rare opportunity for humans to show nature that, actually, we are the masters
  • The more you feel pressured and guilted into hiking, the more fun it is
  • Perfect for tormenting indoorsy visiting in-laws
  • Fun to learn about other people by analyzing trash they leave behind
  • It’s like being inside your desktop wallpaper, man
  • Drunken plans to do it are usually forgotten
  • Instagram needs fresh content, after all

↓ Downside

  • Mumbling “hello” to people passing you from other direction is peak human awkwardness
  • Could be avoided altogether with an intricate series of escalators and elevators
  • Supposed health benefits don’t include X-ray vision or anything truly cool
  • That guy who assures you, “It’s always harder on the way down”
  • Probability of bear attack greater than zero
  • Trail mix only has so many M&M’s
  • Europeans with walking sticks
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