THE NEW SECRET KEBAB delivers food to your doorstep but takes orders only via the web. Secret Kebab’s impresario, “The Turk” (pictured here … or at least he claims he’s this handsome), declined an interview, but he’s fast becoming a Twitter sensation. A juicy, delicious sample from @secretkebab:

“Who will want between the cheeks my Secret Kebab this night?! You must tell me your wish to fulfill!!”

“For your confusion!! Delivering #NEPDX to Burnside!! You are souther of Burnside or wester of river we spank the minimum!! Or come in NEPDX!”

“This secret is no secret!! I am very small number kebabs each night grilling. If your desire is true you will request before the rest!!”

“Haca!! Remains on the night 11 Secrtet Kebab [sic] only!! A form of love on my lamb who will taste?! Can it be yourself?! I donut know!! Portland!”

“The Turk will earn his #hashish on this night so busy!! Briskness on your request!! A lamb for this day will soon be snatch up!!”

“For fresh turnip leafs I search!! Lettuce on Secret Kebab?! NEVER weak green leafs only STRONG! BOOM BOOM!! BAA BAA!! Tomorrow 6PM!!”